Short answer: hell no! This SEEMS to get complicated because of your children, who like NX and the new supply, and say to you that you SHOULD be friends with NX/new supply. How do you handle this? And, your friends and family think you should as well.
They say "let bye gones be bye gones", right? My wife and I have gone though this. Here's what we told them....YOU can be friends with them, if you'd like, but we will never be friends with them. And, you have to tell them the reason, in an age appropriate manner.
The NX and the affair partner/new supply are plugging for the "friends"
issue because they are plugging the idea that "it was all for the
best", which means that their affair was a GOOD THING, and there is a
parity between you and them...that is, they are no more guilty of doing a
terrible wrong than you are...that what was an absolute betrayal was a
GOOD thing. You're happy, they're happy, so it's all good, right?
Absolutely not! What they did was absolutely wrong, and the N is a liar, abuser, and cheater and the fact that you have managed, after a huge amount of pain and heartache, to recover, doesn't change anything.
You have the NX to thank for the terrible financial hardship you endured, and the divorce/split, the sleepless nights, the therapy you paid for...and the NX/new supply wants you to sweep it under the rug and whitewash them? Not gonna happen.
That would be like the NX DELIBERATELY driving a car with you in it into a tree, severely injuring you with pain that will never fully go away, causing you years of recovery time, and expecting you to tell everyone what a great driver NX is, and then, to be the NX's friend and act like it never happened. I will NOT pretend like that because I had to pretend everything was OK when NX and I were together and I'll NEVER do it again.
You still have to deal with the injustice that most people, perhaps even your kids, treat NX as if NX hadn't done all the rotten things they did. Yes, but you can't control that. However, standing your ground and moving on with your life and being happy is how you recover a real life again.
You have a new and better life now. NX tried to destroy you and didn't succeed, so you're the victor in that battle, but there is no reason for you to act in a fake and phony way just because other people, especially your NX, wants you to. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF and what you know to be your truth.
Absolutely not! What they did was absolutely wrong, and the N is a liar, abuser, and cheater and the fact that you have managed, after a huge amount of pain and heartache, to recover, doesn't change anything.
You have the NX to thank for the terrible financial hardship you endured, and the divorce/split, the sleepless nights, the therapy you paid for...and the NX/new supply wants you to sweep it under the rug and whitewash them? Not gonna happen.
That would be like the NX DELIBERATELY driving a car with you in it into a tree, severely injuring you with pain that will never fully go away, causing you years of recovery time, and expecting you to tell everyone what a great driver NX is, and then, to be the NX's friend and act like it never happened. I will NOT pretend like that because I had to pretend everything was OK when NX and I were together and I'll NEVER do it again.
You still have to deal with the injustice that most people, perhaps even your kids, treat NX as if NX hadn't done all the rotten things they did. Yes, but you can't control that. However, standing your ground and moving on with your life and being happy is how you recover a real life again.
You have a new and better life now. NX tried to destroy you and didn't succeed, so you're the victor in that battle, but there is no reason for you to act in a fake and phony way just because other people, especially your NX, wants you to. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF and what you know to be your truth.
I beg to differ on this. Now I won't be friends with the NX, however, his new target, I have no ill feelings towards. She is about to be the step mother to my children. I'd rather have an amicable relationship with her vs one where we are hostile. I'll have to see her and him. But I'm not about to play his games. My NX wants me to be cruel and mean to his fiancé. I'd rather accept her and show that I'm over him and the manipulation game he is attempting to set where he wants to triangulate her against me won't work. She already believesent his side of the story. I'm not interested in telling her my side because she'll experience it soon enough. But for me, I'd rather not have hostility and animosity moving forward in my life. Friends we will never be. But I silently wait for that gavel to drop on her life, when he comes the person he said he never was.
ReplyDeleteI am not the Author of this post, but I must say that I do not agree. I hold no ill will toward the new victim....and she, may well, be playing in the role of "step mother" but, as such, she is helping to gaslight and manipulate my sons. Very FEW of those caught in the web of the narcissist can claim total innocence (myself included). I was a flying monkey for him before I even KNEW what he was. Each of our situations are different and I do not KNOW your situation....so your approach may, indeed, be the best one for you. There are others of us, however, that do not hate the next victim and do not wish them ill...but still recognize that ANY TYPE of relationship we have with them is dangerous for us. If that is not so for you I am very glad. I have been where she is and I have been where I am. I am quite aware that any inroads I would allow into my personal life (with her) would simply be a tool for him to remain abreast of my life and remain, by proxy, in my business. Perhaps it is a difference that is caused by the level of sickness. Having no ill feelings toward her does not mean I have any desire to even speak to her. It is not a matter of jealousy and I, in NO WAY, envy her for her current position. The fact remains that she has done very wrong things and STILL professes to be a Christian. She is as deluded as he is. Maybe only for the present...but it is the present in which we must exist. So while I do not hate her, I have no desire to play the flying monkey....get along so it looks good....lets let bygones be bygones game with EITHER of them. I fail to understand how anyone COULD do that if they had experienced what I have and what I know others have. It would be the same as turning my back on a cobra that has already bitten me twice and simply "trusting" that they will not do it a third time. They can pretend Christian and pretend that their affair and the damages they have done to my children (in ways that are beyond comprehension) was all "Gods will" if they want to. I will not take part in that charade. I want to live in a world that is untouched by the hands of either of them.
DeleteThat would be like the NX DELIBERATELY driving a car with you in it into a tree, severely injuring you with pain that will never fully go away, causing you years of recovery time, and expecting you to tell everyone what a great driver NX is, and then, to be the NX's friend and act like it never happened. I will NOT pretend like that because I had to pretend everything was OK when NX and I were together and I'll NEVER do it again.
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY!
I am in this situation with my grown up kids wanting me to be friends with my ex it has been going on for eight and a half years a lot of tactics involved it has caused a rift in the family but like you I will stay true to a decision made thirty years ago and will not be manipulated like you I brought up kids on my own very little money many years of heartache because it happened when my mum died in a road accident and was in shock that someone who you believed loved you could do that and what followed money wise was a pure stitch up by him so I know where you are coming from
ReplyDelete