Narcissists are
great imitators. Let me tell you a story. Once, I mentioned in a
conversation with some guys (I am one) that jerks who play women make it
hard on guys like me, who mean what they say. Later, one of these guys
said to me, “Hey, man, I used your line on a woman, about players
making it hard on good guys who are sincere, AND IT WORKED!” The
trouble was, it wasn't a line...to me, but he made it into a line by
IMITATING ME and how I think and speak. Narcissists are like that.
Now, something you and I will say to someone we really love is
something the narcissist will say in a calculated way, to manipulate.
Here's four examples of things a good person will say that a narcissist
will fake.....
1. WE CAN TAKE OUR TIME AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER....I told my wife
after long time as friends, and then dating, that I wasn't crazy, I WAS
JUST CRAZY ABOUT HER...said with a smile, but she understood I meant
it. The truth is that I had thought this for some time and kept it to
myself until I thought the time was right and she was ready to hear it.
A narcissist who is love bombing,
however, will come out with “I'm crazy about you” very quickly as way of
finding the down lever on your underwear, getting supply, and gaining
control over you. My now wife had been so beaten down by her NarcX that
she needed to hear that she was attractive, funny, and smart, and
that's really true. But, it's a very good thing she didn't meet another
narcissist because he would have TOLD HER EXACTLY THAT, because, like
me, he would know she needed to hear it, since he would be imitating
the kind of man she needed right then.
The
big, big difference was that me telling her I really loved her came at
about 1 year into our relationship, not a week or two, and besides, by
then it was written all over me, so she could see it. The key, then,
was TIME...I took my time, as did she, and it took three years before
the M word came out....marriage. However, with a narcissist, they say
this sort of thing very quickly.
2.
I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU AND WHAT YOU DO FOR ME....and I do, very
much. However, narcissist are never actually grateful because they feel
so entitled, but they know very well that expressions of fake
gratitude makes you think they will do the same for you, but they won't,
not for long.
Cooking....I'm
terrible and my wife is excellent, and there is something about cooking
that warms my heart, I suppose because my ex wife never cooked. A lot
of work goes into a nice meal. She appreciates the work I do around the
house....we both perk up at the appreciation, and that's a very
important part of a good relationship, but for the narcissist, it's a
part of the love bombing phase, and then, not only do they not
appreciate you, they demean and degrade you.
The
key to this one is CONSISTENCY....with a good person, the appreciation
and the gratitude are always there, no matter how long you are together,
because real love has come to stay. I consider showing appreciation a
part of loving, honoring, and cherishing my wife just as I promised, but
as you know, wedding vows and promises mean nothing to a narcissist.
3. HONEY, WE CAN WORK THIS OUT...LET ME HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO
SAY.....with the emphasis on WE, not me, on US, not I, and with the
emphasis on listening with interest and empathy. Have you
noticed....narcissists don't listen, or perhaps we should say that you
are never actually heard by the narcissist.
There
is a huge difference between knowing that what you say is important
and valued, and being ridiculed and berated with sarcasm. When the
narcissist says they want to work it out, they mean that you have to
give in and let them win, since winning is their goal, not solving
problems. They want you to talk so they can attack, divert, or be
dismissive...”Oh, God, not again”.
Notice
that in the way a good person will approach problems, and this is the
key to this one, is that there is an assumption of EQUALITY between the
two of you, and but for the narcissist there is an assumption that they
have the power and control over you and that you belong under their
thumb. So, the key difference in this one between a good person and a
narcissist is EQUALITY between the two of you, and the desire for a
WIN-WIN SOLUTION.
4. GO FOR
IT...I'M HAPPY FOR YOUR SUCCESS....a good relationship is also a very
good friendship, where you both got each other's back, and you help each
other along in life, so that life opens up for you, and your life
blossoms.
It's that positive
message that you hear when you share hopes and dreams, successes and
failures. Your partner is always there for you. That's not the
narcissist, because the N is always in competition with you, so the
narcissist is not happy for your success....they will be happy to spend
your money, but not to see YOU get accolades and attention, because you
are taking attention and supply away from them.
So,
you might hear, when you share a success, “So, now you think you're a
big shit. Well, you're not. I know who you really are and so do you”,
which is demeaning and also dropping a hint that they might reveal
something about your past that you entrusted to them privately. The
narcissist is such a “Debbie Downer” that you will get depressed at the
negativity, though the narcissist may occasionally throw you a bone of
positiveness to keep you around. The key here is that a good person is
TRULY HAPPY FOR YOUR HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS, and the narcissist isn't,
and if you continue to succeed, the narcissist will try to bring you
down and wreck your happiness.
These four things are just for starters, and I imagine you have others
to post below. My point here is that the narcissist TWISTS normal,
loving situations into something ugly by manipulation and abuse....and
that NOTHING can come out right with a narcissist. I am convinced that
good relationships are VERY SIMPLE....just the two of you, being kind,
loving, and faithful, and helping each other. What could be more
simple? Narcissistic relationships, however, are very complex and
unhappy that it's impossible for even fairly normal interactions like
those above to come out right.
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