Thursday, September 10, 2015
WORDS YOU SHOULD KNOW: STARVING THE NARCISSIST OUT.
"Starving them out" refers to denying the narcissist all forms of supply....it amounts so abandoning the narcissist emotionally. Now, any form of emotional reaction at all is supply, whether positive or negative....starving them out means giving them no attention whatsoever. This is known as "the gray rock method", meaning, you give the narcissist the same response and attention as would a gray rock....none at all.
From the standpoint of the narcissist, it's "love me, or hate me, but I am always in your head". What the N fears and dislikes the most is TO BE IRRELEVANT TO YOUR LIFE...TO MEAN NOTHING AT ALL TO YOU. The narcissist has no "me", no self...the only exist in what they see in you, that is, you are a mirror to them and if you take that away, they disappear.
Let's put it this way....your usual reaction to the narcissist is like playing PING PONG...the narcissist hits the ball your way, so you hit it back. But, what it you never, ever hit it back. What if you just stand there, with no expression, and do nothing. Doesn't make for a very good game, does it? ANY hitting of the ball back, or even trying, amounts to VALIDATION for the narcissist. In fact, think of it this way....they keep hitting the ball to you because they are begging for your attention.
The narcissist has to put a LOT of effort into maintaining the narcissistic image they project, and when it comes to supply, they tend to see others this way.....those who give it are allies, and everyone else is an enemy....but, what about those who give them no response at all, like they don't exist? It's perplexing to the narcissist.
So, "starving a narcissist out" comes after the relationship ends, or the divorce is over, and the narcissist is in the attacking phase, seeking to discredit you, or in the hoovering phase, seeking to "use, abuse, and lose" you again. Starving out makes the narcissist go away and leave you alone in the shortest time. Every narcissist is different, and some may try to hoover many months and even years later. But you can be sure that getting no response is, for the narcissist, the worst of all possible responses. The narcissist hates that. They feel invisible. You've shown them that you could care less about them, what they think, feel, or do.
To get a response, the narcissist will provoke. No response. Attack. No response. If your friends or kids tell you something the narcissist is saying, you speak the truth. You can just reply, "That's not true", followed by a brief statement of the truth, so you don't create a conversation by proxy through friends and relatives.
To starve a narcissist, you don't speak...communications, if at all, are by email, say, about kid's visitation, health, or school, but never about anything personal. You never respond to a text or voice mail. In social situations, if the narcissist speaks to you, give no facial expression at all and no response. Never show any emotion of any kind, not even anger.
How long it takes for the narcissist to go away varies with the narcissist, but if you give the narcissist ANY form of response, it resets the clock back to zero. I should add, finally, that starving the narcissist is the way to go REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY FEELING AT THAT MOMENT. Yes, it can be difficult, but with practice, you'll get it. Keep in mind, what you want from the narcissist is to have no narcissist in your life, and starving them out is the best way to accomplish that.
at 4:58 PM