Thursday, September 10, 2015

WORDS YOU SHOULD KNOW: FUTURE FAKING


Future faking is a great tool for a narcissist to get and keep you hooked. The narcissist gives hints or direct statements about the future in order to control you in the present. This is a part of “managing your expectations” of what will happen in the relationship, since if you expect your dreams to come true, you'll act accordingly now, giving the narcissist supply and trust.

This is not about breaking a promise of something in the present...he didn't take you to that concert, or come over on Friday, as he said he would (excuses will follow), but rather about spinning a beautiful picture of a wonderful future that will never happen. It also provides a great way to end a disagreement...he shows you the moon, and you melt. Now for some examples...

The narcissist interrupts a fight in which you are suspicious of his behavior by saying, “Will everything be OK if we just get married? Will you trust me then?” Notice that this isn't an actual engagement, which would require a ring and a date. This gets him back in control of the situation by seeming to promise the ultimate.

The narcissist hoovers with future faking you after you've gone no contact. When the narcissist sees you're moving on and had enough, you unfortunately break no contact for some reason, and what he says to seal the deal of you letting him back into your life is that he's sorry, realizes how wrong he was, and WANTS TO GET MARRIED. That means he's serious. He's changed. Right? Wrong. It's future faking to the hilt. “I just want to have kids with you and grow old together”....he'll say it if he thinks it's what you want to hear.

The narcissist future fakes you during the initial phase of the relationship when he's love bombing you. “I've never met anyone like you. I know you'd make a good wife and mother.” “I can't believe we're so much alike...we have so much in common. I could do this forever.” “Look at you. You're gorgeous. We'd have beautiful children together.”

The narcissist future fakes you in casual conversation. “My business is really taking off. I wonder what Hawaii would be like when it's winter here.” “I've always wanted to stand on the Eiffel Tower and it would be great if you were by my side.”

Now, here's the thing. If you've been with a narcissist for very long, and you think back, you'll realize that you've been future faked time and time again....it's bait so he can keep reeling you in emotionally. However, there comes that day when he future fakes you, and you look at him with empty eyes. No excitement anymore. The dreams were all fake, and none of it was ever real.

Then, you'll realize that it wasn't so much that you loved the narcissist as that you loved the dream, and if your dreams are ever going to come true, it won't be with the narcissist.

10 comments:

  1. 3 years of my life are wriiten in this article. It took me so long to finally admit that our "forever" relationship was so unhealthy. I was the one who left. And now, a year later, I can't understand why I stayed so long with someone who was only capable of loving himself .He always said we were Soulmates. But wouldn't that require both of us having a soul?

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  2. 3 years of my life are wriiten in this article. It took me so long to finally admit that our "forever" relationship was so unhealthy. I was the one who left. And now, a year later, I can't understand why I stayed so long with someone who was only capable of loving himself .He always said we were Soulmates. But wouldn't that require both of us having a soul?

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  3. Exactly but the others died with in them self usually during child hood

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  4. Hi Kimberly, I have to believe what you say is true. But what do you think happens to a person during childhood which causes such a change? We talked extensively about his childhood. He never bothered to ask me about mine. It was always about him.

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  5. Hi Kimberly, I have to believe what you say is true. But what do you think happens to a person during childhood which causes such a change? We talked extensively about his childhood. He never bothered to ask me about mine. It was always about him.

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  6. I experiences this for the past 9 months. When I wanted him to deliver on those dreams he was selling? Things like "oh, I'll have more time once school ends." At first I questioned if he was being unfaithful, because school let out and he was still calling me really late, like 11:30p. I accused him of cheating. We argue and he would not only not tell me what he was doing *exactly* but wouldn't adjust the time to call me early. He got mad and we broke up. Him citing "not liking being accused of things I haven't done." So, a few days later? I apologized. And he ignored me. Sounds like a cop-out to me.

    Of course there were more instances. This was just the last straw.

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  7. I endured 13 years of this. I never really thought about it until this blog. I got the "I want to grow old with you", "we're soulmates" etc. I would also express my dreams. I'd get excited that maybe she is finally going to have my back on something I want to do. Just to have them crushed time and time again.

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  8. Trips to Disney and a cruise. She had no money. These were promised. Guess who probably would have gotten stuck with the bills? Lists of things we would do; sexually and socially. One or two happened. I'm a soft touch. "A fool and his money"!

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    1. In my case, I was paying the bills (although he was male Narc)...he promised to me: winter holidays (he broke with me on a Christmas eve), wait until my daughter corrects grades...things like these...never materialize...But, I am glad we broke (he broke with me), but my therapist said - I caused it - made him too much trouble with my questions etc. He even accused me of being "selfish" and not helping him financially...I feel like my role was to help him financially (short and long term) because I realized he is in huge debts.

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  9. My story. I've concluded (with allot of therapy) that loving him won't stop him from hurting me, but loving myself will prevent him continuing. Verby hard though to love yourself after his been in your head and soul

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