Thursday, September 10, 2015


Everyone, adult or child, who is in a relationship with a narcissist is always just an extension of the narcissist and his (her) ego. He can't think of himself as less than perfect or ever being wrong about anything. And, you probably already know that SUPPLY is a huge motivation for the narcissist, and he needs his interactions with others to make him feel like a superior person....which is why he can not allow reasoned disagreement with what he says or does.

I noticed with my NarcX that any disagreement was taken as a personal assault and responded to with an attack. Disagreeing impinges on the flawless persona of the narcissist. Contradicting what the N says or questioning what the N does is tantamount to attacking the false self image, so the N reacts totally out of proportion to the issue, since the N has to defend that false image.

If reasoned discussion is not what the N will allow, then the solution for the N is to devalue, demean, and ridicule you with what will seem like a senseless, extreme, out of control assault. He isn't trying to win an argument...he is engaging in INTIMIDATION AND CONTROL, and so, shut down anything you say that casts doubt on their perfection.

The most common thing is to begin to do this very gradually at first, then slowly increase it until total control is achieved and you are completely intimidated and walking on egg shells, never knowing when something you say will set him off. That's exactly what he wants, since you are now under his thumb.

It begins with small cutting remarks, and fault finding, and subtle put downs like “you're not going to wear THAT are you?” Once you could do no wrong and were perfect just the way you are...which is how it stays with a good man. But he began to nit-pick your looks, or what you said, or stonewalled you, or withheld affection or sex, left for a time, and then comes a steady a stream of criticism, like a drum beat of senseless abuse until it takes over every area of your life.

He begins to let you know how superior he is and how inferior you are. Then, there are the no win statements....”if only you'd” and you get the sense that he wants you to be a mind reader and anticipate his every need. He teared up when he said how he wanted to grow old with you....and now, it seems like he can't stand to be with you.

If you try to resolve the problem you will get long winded discussions that go round and round. I had so many of these over the years I can't count them, and never was anything resolved because the narcissist is not interested...what the N IS interested in is dominating and controlling you.

But, being committed, you redouble your efforts. Maybe he just needs to feel more love, but he brushes that off....he'll take sex, but you feel used, just like he wants you to feel, because it's demeaning. One day, you realize that NOTHING you can ever do will EVER be good enough and you feel like you are drowning in despair and confusion.

You've given more than you have ever gave all of yourself, every part, every piece of yourself. You feel drained and your anxiety is through the roof. Now you are faced with two choices...either be abused like this until he finds new supply, or begin to confront him....which will simply accelerate his finding new supply. It's a no win situation and you feel trapped. You ARE trapped.

It ends, one way or the other, and then, chances are you did a lot of soul searching about whether you could have done something different. Maybe you still hear the narcissist's voice in your head blaming you for the break up. But, no, you were not to blame. You weren't perfect but you were a good partner, and a kind and decent person, which is why he chose you.

You were targeted because you are empathetic and compassionate and he KNEW you'd act just like you did, which allows him to demean, belittle, and devalue you, and in the end, discard you. He took your best and used it against you, and that takes a very, very evil person to do something like that.

No need to try to guess what you could have done differently. It would have come out the same way regardless. Since you are generous and forgiving, I'd like to suggest you be generous and forgive yourself...the only mistake you made was not realizing he was a narcissist. But, I was fooled. Everyone on this site was fooled. Narcissists fool a lot of smart, kind, and generous people.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Now LIVE and be happy. You know the narcissist hopes you'll always be miserable. Don't give him the satisfaction.

1 comment:

  1. thank you for writing this, it reaffirms what I've been researching, and I can even pin point situations where it was a no win, and the vicious cycles of never being heard, and why I took a stand and left him and his misery behind.