Thursday, September 10, 2015

TRYING AGAIN....SPOTTING A NARCISSIST EARLY, ON THE FIRST FEW DATES


He's a handy list about what you might see on your first date, or soon thereafter. Having one of these...yea, I get that. Having several...watch out. I'll bet you have some others as well, so post them below if you will, and clue us in.



  1. Pay careful attention to how he interacts with the wait staff. Flirting is a definite red flag. But so are unjustified complaints about the food and service...especially his thinking the staff are not sufficiently attentive to him. He's a poor tipper, or is over the top and showy with his tips.
  2. The critic...he critiques everything. Beware, he'll end up doing the same thing to you. He has complaints about his job, and especially about his exes. Life has been unfair to him and he finds fault with a lot of people, especially if they inconvenience him. These are signs of entitlement, and that's a huge red flag.
  1. Demands the best seating and gets angry if he doesn't get it. We all want good seats in a restaurant, but when it's busy, that isn't always possible, and we understand, except to him, it's a personal affront, an insult not to get the best seating, which, in his mind, he deserves.
  1. He's VERY charming....almost like he's had practice...which he has, and if you've got a waitress, chances are he's looking for supply even from her. Some narcissists have terrible social skills, but some have superb social skills, which they use to gain admiration and attention, and and audience for his stories. Is he doing whatever he can to be the center of attention in a group? One day he may be using these skills to demean and attack you, and to recruit flying monkeys when he discards you.
  1. He drops you off and you think...what does he really know about me, even though he's already love bombing you as being “all that”? I mean, did he ask about your interests, your family, your trips, your personal views, your faith, your political views, your preference in wine, or in food? No? That's a red flag...he spent the night getting you to focus on and admire HIM. Chances are, the relationship will be all about him.
  1. He's over the top with his attention and admiration of you...without really getting to know the real you he makes you feel special...providing you are giving him supply. And, he's SOOO attracted to you, especially physically, and lets you know that. He really wants immediate physical intimacy and seems to be saying that he'll carry this out over the long run if you do. He is satisfying his need for control and sex, and he may use sex as a means of control over you.
  2. He thinks you OWE him...I mean, he bought you an expensive dinner, after all, and graced you with his presence, now you need to pay off. You need to show your gratitude....THAT way, and later, worship at his feet as your knight in shining armor. He seems great, but you get this feeling that if you don't “come though”, you won't see him again. Warning, that's manipulation and a sign of things to come.
  1. He is SOOOO romantic that the chemistry, especially the physical chemistry, is extremely strong....so he's letting you know that this is a sign that you're soul mates. But, keep in mind, he's manipulating you to make for really hot chemistry...as he always does. This guy is a total player and knows how to get to you. He's going to push, and it's going to be hard to resist, as he intends, since that gives him a sense of power. This guy has a harem and wants you to add you to it....he's got the practice. Know yourself...if you have a history of disastrous fatal attractions to bad boys, SLOW THING DOWN...way down. Yea, I know it's hard, but worth it.
As to the last one, I say this from experience. After my split from my NarcX wife, I knew nothing, yet, about narcissism, and a woman did all the above things to me, including the last. It had been quite a while since...and my relationship with my NX had been terrible, so here was this woman who was telling me what I hadn't heard in a long time, and she was absolutely available for.....well, you know. So....well, I went with it. Soon, things seemed to start to go amiss. My alarms were going off, but I went with it for several weeks, only to have her produce an engagement ring, put in on HERSELF, and tell me we were going to get married and build a home. OK, I was outta there, and she was really angry. But, REALLY? Of course, that hot chemistry was my fatal flaw, and I knew it. But, alas, I made the same mistake AGAIN.
So, when I met my now wife, I had learned my lesson, and we both were for really, really taking our time. It was worth it, believe me. She knew that if I was willing to wait months that my interest was exactly what it seemed to be. So, as difficult as it will be, IMHO, make the guy wait. If he won't, he's not the one. I recommend the Steve Harvey book, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.”



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