Monday, September 28, 2015

THINKING ABOUT THE PAST WITH THE NARCISSIST....

Wow, after my split with the narcissist, I spent years, and I mean years, going over that 20 year span, remembering the details, questioning myself about my motivations, blaming myself for not leaving earlier, reinterpreting things that happened in light of what I knew now, and the more I learned, the more clear all that has become.

But, I had a female friend back then who pointed something out to me.....I was thinking about the past so much that it was dominating my life and interfering with my present. I didn't even realize how much time and energy I was spending on the past until she told me.

Living in the present was actually difficult to me back then....I realized I was sort of obsessing about understanding my marriage to the narcissist, and that if I wanted to be "fully present" in the NOW, I needed to set aside a certain amount of time each day, or week, to think about the past, and the rest of the time to live in the present moment.

Obsessing about the narcissist is typical, however, of those with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, I think largely because we have to rethink everything we thought we knew about the narcissistic relationship, since we understand that it was all phony and that the narcissist never loved us. We may well wonder how many times the narcissist cheated, and realize that just because we don't know what the narcissist has done, doesn't mean that it didn't happen, since the narcissist is capable of anything.

NVS and PTSD are natural responses to severe trauma and deep manipulation by the narcissist, which included gaslighting, which causes us to not know what to believe is true and false anymore. Obsessing over the past is also a natural response to high anxiety, and because we don't want to repeat our mistakes we try to understand how we were fooled.

However, obsessing over the N will produce even more anxiety, which is another reason to set aside a time to think about it, and only during that time. When the thoughts come into your mind, notice that, and say to the thoughts, "Ah, not now. We'll talk later." The more you do this, the easier it becomes.

We may also obsess over the fantasy that the narcissist created in our mind when the N did "future faking"....the N made us believe in a beautiful future which we wanted so much to be true. But, as you know, that too was not real. It's OK, even a good thing, to want that for yourself, but not with a narcissist....that can NEVER be.

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