Thursday, September 10, 2015
THE SMALL POST ABOUT HUGE RED FLAGS
OK, a confession. After my split with my ex, I made a mess of it several times over, so what I say here I learned the hard way. So, first off, when you start all over again, you'll make mistakes too, likely. But the difference is that this time I dumped the narcissists in weeks, not months or years. Here's some really obvious HUGE red flags.....
Huge Red Flag #1: He has had a string of bad relationships and none of it is his fault. Even in good relationships, some of the problems are our fault, and owning up is critical to resolving problems. But, a narcissist will ALWAYS say that the problems were not mutual, but the fault of his ex. He makes them ALL out to be crazy, vindictive, and hateful. He'll do this to you in the end. He's the opposite of the Dave Mason song “We Just Disagree” which says, “There ain't no good guy, there ain't no bad guy. There's only you and me and we just disagree.” A narcissist thinks he's perfect and without flaws. Nobody's like that.
Huge Red Flag #2: Oh boy, is he EVER important. And smart. And charming. And talented. And better than other people. You get the drill. It's called “being grandiose”. He brags and constantly draws attention to himself. If he says something “humble”, you get the uneasy feeling that he's fishing for compliments. It's like, “I've said enough about me, now YOU talk about me.” This is called “getting supply” and he'll get it anywhere he can, including other women. Know what? It IS all about him.
Huge Red Flag #3: He's consumed with anger at people he thinks have wronged him, and if you listen, he seems to think that people are out to get him. But why? Ask him, and chances are, it will be something like that they are jealous or envious of his abilities or talents, and the like. When talking about it, he gets mean and sarcastic. Believe me, he will talk to YOU this way eventually, and speak OF YOU like this as well.
Huge Red Flag #4: He puts down family members and “friends”, but behind their backs and acts the opposite to their face.
Huge Red Flag #5: He's rude and abusive to people like wait staff or others who are in a service position, or anyone who he sees as “beneath him”, and may refuse to tip over seemingly nothing. Wow, if he does this to them, he will eventually do this to you. It means he lacks empathy and compassion for others.
Huge Red Flag #6: He makes a mistake, or does something thoughtless, and he refuses to admit it, but instead blames it on you or someone else. Ouch! You are with a guy who you can resolve no problems because talking to him about it is like being on a hamster wheel....you go round and round.
These ones really stick out to me because they are the ones, in my own experience, are likely to be noticeable. Perhaps you have others. It's really important that you DO NOT cover for the guy. My mantra is “detach and observe”.
Never ignore Huge Red Flags...never. It saved me, but, yea, I was embarrassed that I was fooled at all, but I think that there is no way to avoid that. All I could do when I saw the Red Flags was to exit, stage left, immediately, and try again.
at 4:51 PM