Thursday, September 10, 2015

THE NARCOPATH AS HE (OR SHE) REALLY IS...10 THINGS TO LOOK FOR


I wasted time trying to decide if my NX was more of a sociopath, or more of a narcissist. I mean, when you have many of BOTH characteristics....?  In fact, the term these days for someone with traits of both, plus Machiavellian traits as well (deceptive, manipulative) is called The Dark Triad.

Well, I decided that it wasn't important to know if the NX was a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies, or it's just that like all sociopaths, my NX is also narcissistic. The two overlap, so I use the general term “narcopath” to describe such people. Here's an easy list of narcopath traits, which, if several are present, make the person a “narcopath” in my book:

  1. Grandiose sense of self, meaning an exaggerated sense of who and what they are, arrogance, sense of superiority and entitlement. They are never to blame for their problems.

  1. A need for power over you and others, and a need for control. Narcopaths are ALL ABOUT POWER AND CONTROL. Abuse is all about power and control.

  1. Lack of real empathy for your, or others, pain and confusion. It's all about them. Conning others, lack of remorse, callousness. (May fake being otherwise).

  1. Manipulating the impressions of others to make themselves look good. This is a BIG motivation of a narcopath and a huge reason for the constant lying.

  1. No real intimacy (John Bradshaw said intimacy means “into me see”) since you never really know them. People have a utilitarian function, being their to serve their needs. They make fake “love” but they have no idea what love is.

  1. The desire to be the center of attention, causing focus on themselves and their needs. Turning conversations away from your concerns to themselves.

  1. Dismissive of your needs and concerns, personal attacks to deflect the conversation away from their obvious problems. “Oh my God, not again.” “You need help.” “Are you off your meds again?”

  1. Problems never get resolved and discussions are endless and fruitless, never resulting in a long term change in the behavior of the narcopath.

  1. Infidelity, while expecting you to be faithful. Denial of the affairs, even in the face of clear evidence. Accusing you of what they do (projection).

  1. No real moral values, but rather a pretense of them. The narcopath's view of what's right is whatever gets them what they want right now. A history of relationships that end badly and bitterly, a history of cheating.

13 comments:

  1. Great blog post. Very informative, especially when learning about an abusive narcissist.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This explains my narcopath to the T. For so many years i did not know what was wrong with him. I would fight back because i was sure that I could make him see my point (feelings ). Now I know that I will never get results as you would a real person. Dcf is threatening to take our children because the last call to the police was one of 20 something. I have to escape. Please God help me break the chains from this lunetic.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Please add "Silent treatment", "Disappearing Acts" and "Triangulation/Ostracizeing" these are used often with a narcopath. This blog is spot on and I feel embarrassed for allowing myself to stay in such a destructive relationship..I am educating myself everday but there is a part of me that I don't know if I will ever completly heal. I am seeking a therapist that has experience with narcissistic abuse syndrome. I wish there was a support group for this type of abuse because to be with other survivors that understand what it does to you would help each other and their recovery...we wouldn't feel so alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm at a similar point with this, and educating yourself is important, but being kind to yourself is even more so. Getting over your ex is the easy part...they never existed. Getting over whatever dreams or promises were shattered is harder, but still doable.

      Getting over all of the terrible things they did to us is the difficult part, but healing is possible. It's been 3 months, and I'm finally gaining momentum. Will I ever be the same person I was before this? Nope. But I'm doing everything I can to make sure this never happens again, and eventually, I'll realize that I haven't thought about it for a few hours, then days, then weeks, months, and years. My ex will be a blip on the radar of my new badass self. :)

      It is embarrassing. And unfair. And exhausting. But you're free, and you see it for what it was without sugar coating or denial, so give yourself credit for that and all the things you're doing to move forward. One tool that helped me is looking at the energy available to me daily as an account. The balance is limited because I have PTSD, so I can either spend it on things that make me better and get MY power back, or I can spend it blaming myself or feeling stupid or embarrassed, which I definitely did, but that gives HIM power. He's gotten enough of me.

      You're spot on with finding a therapist experienced with NAS...it's hugely important. Working with one who was nice, but not well versed on our particular brand of hell sent me backwards, so I found someone who was and it's made a BIG difference. They're out there, so keep looking until you find one you're comfortable with.

      Support groups, OMG, yes, that would be incredibly helpful since this is such an isolating experience, but unless there's a good moderator and some criteria for joining, one wild card or person who's determined to stay in victim mode can inadvertently hold everyone back. I haven't found one that feels safe yet, but just reading your post made me feel better since it confirms I'm not alone, so hopefully mine will do the same.

      Delete
  5. I just found the second part of your post that mentions the other things above. Sorry about that

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just found the second part of your post that mentions the other things above. Sorry about that

    ReplyDelete
  7. Please add "Silent treatment", "Disappearing Acts" and "Triangulation/Ostracizeing" these are used often with a narcopath. This blog is spot on and I feel embarrassed for allowing myself to stay in such a destructive relationship..I am educating myself everday but there is a part of me that I don't know if I will ever completly heal. I am seeking a therapist that has experience with narcissistic abuse syndrome. I wish there was a support group for this type of abuse because to be with other survivors that understand what it does to you would help each other and their recovery...we wouldn't feel so alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have just found within the last 24hrs A support group on Facebook and videos on you tube... my last 2 relationships we're with complete narcsssist, you would think you would learn the first time and watch for it but I never saw it coming the 2nd time...and it was actually with someone I grew up with and had known all my life how could I not have seen, there were a couple weird things but I guess I brushed them aside having known this man my entire life... He had been at my house one day and was his sweet normal self and 2 days later dumped me over the phone, he was very cruel and cold... I was completely stunned as I had never seen this side before... I had thought he lied a couple times but ignored it I guess all people tell little lies sometimes right? But all people are not phychotic narcissist, after he dumped me he never went back to the man I thought he was, I'm guessing there didn't need to be the cover up anymore since he had let me see the real him... he still text me every morning at 6:35 to say good morning and have a good day... cannot wrap my head around why he continues to do this, I wish someone could tell me as of now I'm still drowning in the after math of his destruction I feel as if I'm losing my mind at times I don't know if I'm going to make it through this time I am so lost and confused as to how this all happened... I shared so much with this person and he held me while I cried over things I had been through, the day he dumped me I asked how he could do this to me after everything I had been through and he said whatever I've been through had nothing to do with him and it wasn't his problem... don't know how to move on where to turn or who to talk to, as he was my best friend... I just am so lost, and I don't understand any of it, especially why he dumped me but still text and still gets mad and goes silent and will do the disappearing act and you don't know when or if you'll hear from him or see him again if anyone can help clarify I would appreciate it... Thanks

      Delete
    2. Find some of the love you had for him, nurture it and protect it. watch it grow it will become the love you need for yourself. When you find love again remember to always save some for yourself, and if possible block his phone number honey. He's still feeding on your misery

      Delete
  8. Spot on she was all this and more

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh my gosh! This describes my late father to a T!! My poor mother went through a hell of her own. As well as both my brother and I. Wish I knew then what I know now!! Horrible upbringing to say the least! He was always in control and mean about most things! Couldn't wait to be away from him! But felt an obligation especially for my mother to always visit and be there as best I could, there was no standing up to him as he'd just scream and put you in your place or tell you to get out! Made it difficult to love him as a parent!

    ReplyDelete