Thursday, September 10, 2015
THE NARCISSIST AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP: IT'S ABOUT POWER AND CONTROL, NOT EQUALITY
Bet when you met the narcissist he made you think he respected you and he treated you as an equal....for a while. Bet if you married him you thought that the wedding vows would mean that you'd stand beside each other, hand in hand, as equals, as PARTNERS, with shared power and responsibility. Of course. That's how it works, right? WRONG. Not with a narcissist.
As time went on, things changed, once he thought he had you. After a while, it became a flood of abuse....verbal, or physical, or sexual, or financial....or several of these, even all of them. You're at a place you never thought you'd be. After all, you told everyone how wonderful he was....he's AMAZING. And, he thought you were amazing....or at least, he said so.
Why is this happening? The narcissist TOLD you why...the reason is YOU. You changed, not him. So, you think that if you can just please him again things will get back to the way they were. You become very careful...afraid actually...so you don't “set him off” and you walk on egg shells. If you could just figure it out, you'd be happy again. Everything would be fine again.
But it won't. Oh, you have moments when he seems loving again....when he does nice things again....when he speaks of you as if you matter again. But, then, out of no where, with seemingly no rhyme or reason, here comes the abuse. My now wife calls this “being a roving target”.
OK, here's what you need to know. Let's compare the narcissist to a mechanic. He has a relationship tool box, and in that box is what he needs to keep you under his thumb and maintain POWER AND CONTROL OVER YOU. Physical, emotional/verbal, sexual, or financial abuse are his tools and they are VERY effective for this purpose, and that means that to the narcissist the relationship is not, and never was, about equality and shared power. You know that because if you “cross him” by not doing what he wants, there's hell to pay.
Ever seen a parent with a totally out of control toddler? The kid is pitching a royal fit to get what he wants and says and does ANYTHING...because he's a kid. But, if you act like a grown up you get the tantrums under control. The narcissist is like a spoiled child who is too big and far too manipulative to control. You can't. Ever. If you haven't figured that out yet, you will.
A kid having a tantrum will say hurtful things to you and about you, but the narcissist is a grown up adult who has the emotional maturity of a child, and acts like it. So, with your toddler, one of you had to end up the boss, and one had to end up the kid, right? Sure. So, the narcissist becomes the “boss of you” and infantalizes you like you are a child, who he makes submit to his will. So, it's a double whammy. He's like a child emotionally, but with the power of a grown up adult, and one who is highly inclined to abuse that power to get what he wants, like a small kid.
Here's the sad thing. In the beginning, he seemed SO GOOD, so adult, so loving, so kind. He was your knight in shining armor, the one who'd make you life alright now. He love bombed you with dinners, presents, flowers, and romantic nights that seems....well....PERFECT. Your hopes could not have been higher. He knew that, and used that, as yet another tool in his tool box....he used your hopes and dreams against you to crush you. In my opinion, you can't get any lower than that.
Now you know that, like a leopard, the narcissist can't change his spots. He is what he is. He brought you up so high so he could bring you so low, confuse and abuse you, demean and belittle you, and hurt you like you've never been hurt before. Let me tell you, from the perspective of the narcissist that is extremely powerful. He tore you apart so he could feel power and control.
If you've decided that you can't do it anymore with the narcissist, well, welcome to the club. You are not alone. This is going to be incredibly difficult, but you will recover, slowly but surely as you avoid all contact with the narcissist, detach and begin to observe and think deeply about what happened. Look DEEPER. See the reality.
If you stay, you stay under his thumb. I hope you are shouting “NO” to the roof tops.
at 2:45 PM