Monday, September 21, 2015

SURVIVING A DIVORCE WITH A NARCISSIST.....


Does this sound familiar? A NarcX will be uncooperative and hostile, will feel entitled to everything they can get their hands on, and they bully you in the divorce, threating you with financial ruin and the loss of contact with your children. They will often intentionally prolong conflict and run up your legal bills senselessly just to hurt you, refuse to provide documents (a friend took 7 years to get financial documents), alienate your kids or use them as pawns in their game of power and control, and may refuse to negotiate even when it's to their advantage to do so.

My NarcX forced a day long trial because she stomped out of a settlement conference, with the two attorneys, the Guardian ad litem, and my son's therapist. She did this because they were going to recommend that I get all I asked for, meaning, I win, and she loses. The trial actually made things worse for her, not better, but I have no doubt she'd do it again. BTW, get a GOOD attorney, and not all are. This page, Recovering from A
Relationship With a Narcissist—the Original, has started a list of good and bad attorneys. Also, check the list on One Mom's Battle as well.

My NarcX attacked me for 9 years in court, costing me huge amounts of money, using my son as a pawn. She sued me civilly twice, unsuccessfully, got a temporary restraining order (dismissed), and tried to have me arrested at least 4 times I know of.

The court system is contradictory. It's inherently adversarial while telling the parents to cooperate, and taking no notice of narcissism and that the narcissist does not cooperate, ever, except to get what they want. That can be dismaying, and your saying that your NX is a narcissist will be frowned on. It would take a good therapist who would evaluate him that he can't fool...that you'd need to search for.

So, the first thing to know is that if you know there is a divorce coming, get all the assets you can in your own name because you'll do the right thing, whereas the narcissist will not. You'll need all the cash you can get because this is going to be a marathon. Also, gather your records, especially financial records, because you may not be able to get them once the split occurs.

If you are divorcing and there are substantial assets, including, say, 401K and retirement, protect these, get the records, if warranted, use a financial advisor to plan the financial settlement.

Find a therapist who is familiar and experienced with victims of narcissistic abuse, for you, and for your kids as well. This therapist may be invaluable in the divorce. Communicate by email and keep every email he sends you. Tell him to stay away from your home, and make exchanges at public places like in front of the counter at McDonalds, where there are cameras. I learned this one the hard way. If he rages at you, say at your door, record this and keep it safe. It's not unusual for a narcissist to put a trojan (a kind of spyware virus) on your computer and/or phone. My advice, which you may need some help with, is to create an external drive with the Linux operating system on it and do everything personal and legal there. I use Linux Mint, and the OS is free. Just Google it.

The narcissist carries a grudge over a long period of time and can be incredibly vindictive when you divorce them. This carries out in a lot of ways...for instance, refusing to abide by the order when it comes to visits, asking for numerous variations but denying them when you ask for them, and giving the order totally factitious interpretations that make no sense. Example...my NarcX once interpreted the phrase about visitation “during and through the Easter vacation” to somehow mean no visitation. This sort of thing caused completely unnecessary litigation, which, amazingly enough, she blamed me for.

In reality, the narcissist has a deep need to abuse, and the legal system is a great way to do it. After 9 years, I got a court order telling my NarcX to desist or lose custody, and perhaps contact with the child as well. But, I had a superb attorney and Guardian ad litem, and my attorney made sure my NarcX had plenty of opportunities to act like a jackass in front of them.

Finally, as I said, this is a marathon, not a sprint, so lower your expectations dramatically. The man you married is not who you are divorcing. The man you are divorcing is extremely abusive and obsessed with hurting you. Below is a link to a good article about lowering your expectations. It's a good one.

Just remember, keep going. For me, it's now been 14 years, and my son lives with my now wife and me and has for a year, but 1 more year and he'll be 18, and then, I'll never have to communicate with the narcissist ever again. You'll get there. It won't be easy, but you will.

http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/divorcing-a-narcissist-keep-your-expectations--low

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    1. Wow. This is all SO, SO true. Had I known this when I was getting divorced, I would have been so much better equipped. Many thanks.

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