Thursday, September 10, 2015
SHOULD I WARN THE NARCISSIST'S NEW SUPPLY?
Now that you've been described as “crazy” by the narcissist, especially after learning about the N's affairs, you're experiencing a kind of soul destroying, demeaning traumatic stress and depression. Worse, the narcissist may have thrown the new supply in your face.....my NX denied until the end, when the split came, then was triumphant about the new supply (which didn't last).
This pattern is the trademark move of the narcissist, and is a narcissistic strategy called “triangulation”. The narcissist acts like the new supply is soooo much better than you are. Besides, the new supply is so much more.....fun....does the “fun stuff”, ah, you know, the stuff that grossed you out and you thought degrading. So, if you believe the N, that it's all YOUR FAULT. Wrong. It isn't. You figure that out in time. And, the new supply, is not better than you are, and neither are the others in the harem. THEY ARE ACTUALLY A LOT LIKE YOU, only they are some “strange”. That's about it.
Remember, we once thought the narcissist was “all that”...a wonderful person, a dream come true. So, when you find out that the N is a very bad person....you question that....maybe YOU'RE the one with the problem. I mean, that's what you're being told. You're thinking like this means you have a degree of humility that the N doesn't have.
So, the new supply is actually VERY much like you, and when you realize this, you will have the impulse to contact the new supply and warn them. But, since the N prepares every new supply for that eventuality, just like you, they won't listen.
Although the the new supply is not at all unlike you, what's true and real is that it's the NARCISSIST THAT'S COMPLETELY UNLIKE YOU.....totally unlike you. Narcissists don't love, and are only good to someone in order to get what they want....supply, sex, power over them, control, money....and they are never motivated by doing what's best for the partner's happiness. The reality is the opposite of what the N presents....you are good, kind, loving, and faithful, and the N is the one with the problem, and the one responsible for the end of the relationship.
The narcissist never enters a relationship or a marriage in good faith, out of love, but the new supply and the harem believes that the N does, just as you did. When you wake up from the brainwashing, you begin to see the truth, but when you were in the middle of it, you were confused and controlled, and enthralled with the N, and so, you wouldn't listen to anything that contradicted the carefully crafted illusion set up by the narcissist.
So, contacting the new supply or warning the harem will do nothing but keep you involved in the narcissist's drama. There can be a very strong impulse to contact the new supply.....a humanitarian impulse, to save the person from the confusion and pain you went though. They are in the middle of a nightmare and they don't know it.
It's different if the new supply contacts you. That means they have doubts, so then you can speak up. But, for now, you need to concentrate on recovery, which means concentrating on strict “no contact” (or minimal contact if you have kids with the N. See the notes section to the left side of this page for how to do this), and in addition, not doing “narc dipping”, meaning, not viewing his Facebook page, or rereading texts, or emails, or listening to “your song” or love songs that remind you of the N, or watching videos of you two. This is the irreducible basis of recovery.
Then, you need to learn a lot about what happened to you. It's amazing how different things seem once you do. But, even that's not enough. Give it time. Do what you would do if you had never met the narcissist, even if you don't feel like it at the moment. Remember, feelings follow action....if you DO, you will eventually FEEL like doing. Don't wait until you feel like moving on....just begin to move on.
at 4:49 PM