Thursday, September 24, 2015

Reprint of: A Letter to The New Victim....long but worth the read....

Reprint from a page reader
A Letter To The New Victim....
This is long but, I believe, it is full of truth.

WARNING! This material can be triggering and I am NOT suggesting attempts to warn the new victim of your abuser.  I am only saying that it can be helpful to share stories and support with other people who have already come to realize that they are dealing with an Malignant Narcissist partner/ex partner. 
This was not a letter that was ever sent and I have made NO ATTEMPT TO CONTACT the new "supply". 
She will have to find out the same way we all did. 
Attempting to warn the new supply plays DIRECTLY into the narcs game plan.
After all...I certainly do NOT want him back and she took my place as his HOSTAGE
If I tried to warn her he would say ...
"See? I told you! She is still madly in love with me and won't move on! If she DIDN'T want me back why would she be trying so hard to break us up?!"

WHY INDEED?


The Official Survival Guide to a Relationship with My Ex

Congratulations on your purchase!
You may not realize it yet but you have just purchased the biggest line of crap 
you will ever hear!
After a very long adulterous affair, you have finally "got" my ex. Perhaps you found my ex or he found you...perhaps he stalked you or approached you while you were having a rough time in your life. The particulars are unimportant....let's just say you FOUND each other.
As the "outgoing supply" I wanted to give you a gift.
Yes...REALLY... A gift from an ex-wife!
How nice of me, right?
I think my words may come in handy through all those dark times that are going to be here before you know it!
“Dark times”, You ask?
Well yes... Let me explain...
It is always best to start at the beginning and, at this point in your life,  I KNOW you believe your life BEGAN when you met your new LOVE!
So before moving forward... let's just discuss the first stage of the relationship... 
We call this stage LOVE-BOMBING!

" OMG! 

He is SO perfect! I am so lucky to have found him! 

How could ANYONE ever be crazy enough to let him go!?"


Your days and nights were consumed with talk of LOVE. You have likely NEVER experienced anything quite like it before! All the wonderful things he says!  "Good morning, beautiful", " I love you", "I never KNEW what love WAS until I met you". there are likely many others... whatever lines he's using these days to make sure you fall asleep thinking of him and wake up thinking of him. 
Yes, I have heard all the variations and I'm sure you will, too.

He totally means all of it.
He is all about you....for now....
Just make sure you repeat these things back to him as often as possible.  He loves that! 
Well, maybe not REALLY but he is EXPECTING to hear you say it. While it is expected, and assures him that he plan is "on track". there is no true appreciation there. 
Next, are the "thinking of you" texts and calls throughout the day. He wants to keep you in check, 
so, chances are that in the beginning, you will get these many times a day.
The "Miss you" texts and calls, while you are away are there too. 

Isn't he sweet? 
There is no reason to think that he has ulterior motives such as checking up on you, right? 
He's just letting you know you're on his mind.
He's already TOLD you that he is a simple guy. A guy who wants a woman by his side to love. One that will accept him JUST THE WAY HIS IS. That statement will ring in your ears many times in the future because he is RIGHT!  
He's not changing!
Isn't that nice to know? 
He will never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, change! 
This is one truth that he has told you. 
His desire is that the relationship will REMAIN, JUST AS IT IS RIGHT NOW,,,,FOR ETERNITY!
If you can manage that things may, indeed, turn out the way you expect them to…maybe….
If you have any expectation that you would like the relationship to mature, to mellow, to become deeper…
you have a serious problem. 
You must understand that his desire is for that giddy, love-crazed, all encompassing LOVE to remain just as it is, forever!
Isn’t it NICE to have his company and to realize that you NEVER have to go anywhere alone anymore?
Kind of like…becoming a single unit within him…
of course, this requires you to go where he wants to go...at any time...whether you want to or not...
But who cares. 
He wants you at his side!
This is necessary in order to show everyone how wonderful he is, how much he LOVES you and, to make sure you don’t happen to mention anything he might not approve of, to other people.
You no longer need friends…or Church….even your family does not come around as often…
but you don’t NEED THEM…
you have HIM…
and he HAS you!
Yes, you may have even had a couple of really GOOD friends that looked into your eyes (and his) and saw something wrong. 
They may even have tried to “SABOTAGE” your relationship. 
But as he likely told you, 
“They are just jealous and cannot understand the depth of your love!”
Chances are that “you” have decided that you really don’t need those “negative” people in your life and, chances are, these detractors are not in the picture much anymore.
Isn’t that LUCKY for you…and for HIM!

REALLY, I know it’s EXCITING to have someone love you that much!
He has probably told you that you're his one true love.
His soul mate maybe?
He never KNEW what REAL LOVE was until he met you?
You are The ONE?
He probably started talking about marrying you when you had only known him for a few weeks or months. 
He doesn't waste any time.
Yes, you knew he was married and had kids…but it was not a REAL marriage! 
He was likely just staying in it to keep from hurting me and/or the kids. 
There was no sex happening. 
I bet he told you we did not even SLEEP in the same bed.
 I was a “Cold fish". 
I will let you in on a little secret... he WASN'T married when I met him but 
he was living with another woman. 
He cheated on her with me...
He cheated on me, many times, during our marriage...
He cheated on me with you...
BUT I am certain he has assured you that he would NEVER cheat on YOU!
NOW he knows what he wants and you are definitely it!
Awesome! 
Until he gets bored with you... 
I'll explain that later.


Anyway, now he has you addicted to his pretty words and his constant attention. 
You are completely devoted to his happiness because he is completely devoted to yours (for now).

YOU are nothing like the "crazy exes" who used him and abused him.
You are different!
Isn't it amazing how alike you guys are?
Same hopes and dreams and fears.
Watch the same shows?
Like the same music?
Of course you do!
He simply loves everything you do (for now).
Matter of fact, he will probably wanted to move in with you ASAP so you guys can begin your new life together!

You could not WAIT to get started. Move in day arrived!
You are going to love this part!
He absolutely HATES ALL his former lovers/partners! 
He keeps nothing that would even tell you that we even EXISTED…me, nor the ones before me.
He loves to tell you how much he hates his exes and WHY. 
The things they DID to him to cause him to leave….
trying to poison him, 
refusing to feed him. 
Lack of sex. 
Lack of sympathy….
not to mention NEVER giving him enough ATTENTION and PRAISE for being a merely average human being. 
This serves a dual purpose.
It makes you feel that he was abused and feel pity for him...
AND he is training you on the things that you must NOT do in order to KEEP him. 
Some of what he says is quite hard to believe but he WOULDN'T LIE!!! 
Have you heard the "most hated speech" yet?
How, if he saw one of us laying dying on the street...he would merely step over? 
I have to admit, that one was a little hard for me to understand. 
But I quickly put it out of my mind when I found out what a cheating, evil BITCH she was!
He expects PRAISE for each and every thing he does, 
even if it is a normal function of normal life….
and he is willing to praise you for those things too…
for a while….

Then one day you will realize that you are no longer receiving praise.
Not even when you make an extraordinary effort to please him…
because nothing you ever do will be quite good ENOUGH.

If you are anything like me...you MAY need to work at least 2 jobs to support him 
but it is CRUCIAL that you continue to praise him without cease so that he will be HAPPY!

Don’t worry…he loves suggesting improvements…
correcting your language, telling you how to cut your hair, what clothes to wear, etc.
One thing….I hope you are not too set on making any other personal decisions
…because that will be a signal to him that you no longer love him!

So he moves in and things are going SO well.
You have met his family and they seemed to like you and your family simply ADORES him! 
You are spending every minute  together and it's the most perfect scenario
 you could've ever dreamed of!

Perhaps he leaves you little you notes saying how much he loves you 
or maybe a line from "your song" somewhere.
This guy is serious about you.

Even MORE serious than the woman he had two children with.

Don’t worry about the fact that his nuclear family seems fake and “stilted” 
and that at any given time a part of the group is NOT SPEAKING to the other part! 
Especially don't be concerned about his brother who has not SPOKEN to 
his Mother in nearly 20 years! 
Likely there is no GOOD reason. 
I mean, people cut their own Mothers out of their lives every day without reason!
Going for YEARS without speaking to parts of your 
nuclear family is COMPLETELY normal!

I am certain that he told you that the problems in his family were my fault, 
I’m sure he did not leave that out.
AMAZING how much POWER I had in that family, particularly when they now state 
they never really liked me from the beginning!

At this point, if something about that does not sit quite “right” in your logical mind….
YOU better turn that sucker OFF because it will be useless to you going forward!

Oh and don't mess with the man's money.
As you know...he does not believe he has ANY obligation to help 
support our children in ANY way. 
Remember...the super glued shoes...because it is "Your Mother's Job!" to buy them new ones?
If you have a great job, or own anything that he would like to possess, that may be one of the reasons he targeted you….er … I mean “carefully hand selected you to be his life partner”. 
He loves those good stock women with lots of potential and who don’t mind working hard.
….and it will come in handy because, shortly, you will be working 24/7 to try to make him happy 
“like he used to be” 
and all that energy will be going down into a BIG BLACK WHOLE 
because he will NEVER be happy like that again.

Because he wasn’t in the first place! 
Are you getting the picture now?

It’s all been an ACT, 
a MASK
NOTHING he has ever told you has been true or genuine. 

But let’s be real….you have now had time to see him lie through his teeth 
to everyone from his “friends” to “your friends”, the Pastor, his children 
and total strangers even.
At ONE TIME you might have classified this behavior as “pathological lying” since the lies 
are often not even IMPORTANT…
BUT not with him... there COULDN’T be ANYTHING wrong with HIM! 
He’s PERFECT!

Be sure to learn to cook what he likes. If he starts to gain weight again you will have
 to cook him special meals to suit his diet…and likely carry 
his food into the bedroom so he can eat while watching TV or while on FB) 
Don't forget to wash those dishes and put them away ASAP. 
Make sure they are TOTALLY DRY!
Don't forget to put away the sugar or flour that you used, either…
and close each and every cabinet door. 
Those things irritate him. 
Let's not do that.

You MUST keep from irritating him because you have likely noticed that 
things get pretty miserable when he is the least BIT unhappy or irritated. 
Hard to put your finger on what makes it so very uncomfortable for you when he is unhappy…
but I KNOW you FEEL it. 
The floor is covered with egg shells, and broken glass, 
so you better learn to walk very carefully or you WILL PAY.

I know you've met his horse....
She’s a GREAT Horse!
She’s always been by his side as his best friend.
Hope you don't mind that he pays more attention to her than you. 
That could happen later. 
His horse is so loyal and trustworthy. 
It's his best friend in the entire world!
The truth is, the horse can't talk back to him 
and will love him even through all the awful names he calls her sometimes. 
He may share his days with the horse. 
Share his nights with the horse.
But I know you LOVE horses as well so none of this may seem odd to you at all.

One day soon, it is likely that he will get tired of playing with the horse 
and he will begin to neglect and abandon her. That is what he does when he gets tired of "playing" with one of his "possessions"!
He has a tendency to switch obsessions quite frequently, 
but don’t worry, a few of these have lasted for several years 
so you probably still have time. 
These obsessions can get pretty expensive though! 
Let's see...gardens, ponds, pool with deck, reptiles, reptile breeding, 
venomous reptiles, Star Trek collection, DVD's, model trains, 
model rockets, photography, coin collection, fossils, 
ornaments, guns and now horses....
the house was just OVERFLOWING with them!.. 
Since he has told you that I was the primary bread-winner...
who do you suppose paid for all those things? 
Can't find anyplace to put them? 
So SAD...YOU are now a hoarder! 
You will SIMPLY have to get rid of some of your meaningless things in order to make ROOM!

Oh, and his work….funny isn’t it, 
how you will hear him say that he LOVES his JOB 
and that he HATES his JOB with a passion 
within the span of maybe an hour?

You see, this happens because he doesn’t love it or hate it…
he uses it just like he uses everything and everybody…
to his advantage and to get attention.
Naturally, since his passion for his work is FAKE….
the truth will slip out every once in a while…no problem. 
It won’t last long anyway!
Eventually he will be “unable” or “unwilling” to work 
and he will become a “house husband”. 
He may actually do some house work for a week or two, 
but that will fade quickly and you will find that you are bringing in all the money 
AND taking care of the house…and him…and the kids when they visit.
What will he be doing, you ask?

Playing…
and lining up the NEXT woman to take your place 
or to supplement his need for praise and worship 
(in a pinch, illicit sex will do)
OH! And looking at PORN every chance he gets. 
Perhaps you were not aware of this.
Maybe you HAVE seen it pop up accidentally on his computer screen 
but he has, no doubt, assured you that this is just SPAM 
and he does not know why it pops up like that!
HE is totally innocent!

Have you taken the time to look at his computer?
OH! That’s right! He ALWAYS has it with him…
and then there’s that pesky password thing.
So you likely have not been able to browse the long list of porno sites listed in the history?
Not to worry though…
porn addiction is no big deal when you are as perfect as he is! 
After ALL he IS a MAN. 
All MEN like those things right?
OK, perhaps it does not suit his DEVOUT CHRISTIAN public image but 
his good things outweigh these little issues!
He even likes to dabble in amateur porn.
He may already have talked you into video taping sex 
so you can “relive your love-making”
Just a hint….better keep your eye on those videos 
because I found multiple copies of the one he talked me into making...
 when I finally searched the house. 
Good thing I am not very MODEST...
or have a church who would condemn me for those things! 
WHEW!
….I WONDER what he planned to do with those copies?
…guess we will never know!

Bed time feels pretty magical, huh?
Holding your hand as you guys spoon together. Feels great, huh?
I know it does! 
I was you!
In the mood for sex? 
I sure HOPE SO!!
Ok, so I'll let you know that he will initiate sex with you at every opportunity. 
It's not going to get too tiring after the first 5 years or so right? 
You will ALWAYS be ready, whenever he is, so you won’t have to worry 
about those punishments when you are not! 
The degrading remarks...
the insinuations that you are "frigid"...the threats...the insistence...
the lack of caring about what is going on with you...
the suggestion that you should "just do it" whether you want to or not. 
Its best to avoid that because it makes sex feel like RAPE when you 
know your partner could not CARE LESS whether you really want to have sex and desires ONLY that you acquiesce.

Don't get the wrong idea! I am NOT suggesting 
that he does NOT want you to enjoy it! 
He DOES! 
Nothing gives him a bigger high than taking control of your body and mind! 
He used to tell me "I want to make a woman pass out with pleasure some day".
Now THAT'S a normal thing to say!

The most crucial thing for you to remember is that you MUST
 behave as though each sexual encounter was the 
BEST one you have EVER had! 
HE DOES! I KNOW you know what I mean! 
Pretty good actor isn't he? 
So after 15 years and THOUSANDS of sexual encounters...
you MUST continue to heap praises upon him for his masterful performance...
even if it was not so very masterful. 
Don't like to be a fake? 
Me either...
but if you don't he will make you pay for it in a thousand ways, and eventually, 
you will simply give him what he wants. 
It's EASIER than fighting it! 
Won't hurt you will it?
Oh, and him telling you that he loves you during your long drawn out love 
making session will melt your heart.
I know it did mine.
Too bad you will notice that he spends more time 
during sex looking in the mirror with each passing week.
Has he put up the MIRRORS yet?....
maybe a well-placed dresser or mirrored sliding closet doors? 
He will…don’t worry.


Do be aware that if you have been “making love” for an hour and he “loses it”….
better take a vitamin because it will be expected that you start all over again.
If you start to get exhausted or get a cramp when he twists your body 
into whatever position is best for him…
DON’T MOVE or say anything because he might “lose it” again 
and then he will be very UPSET with you because you are so selfish. 
If you begin to feel panic because it may be hard to breathe....
just learn to "go somewhere else".

That’s one reason he insists that you have an orgasm first (or at least fake one) because then he can call you selfish if you are too tired to continue after 2 plus hours. And don't worry about faking it. 
He SAYS he can tell...but if so, he doesn't really care.
 As long as he is convinced he has "done his job".

So cute how you become so entangled in each other! 
I’m sure he’s not still using those same old lines in your BRAND NEW relationship.
I am sure he has come up with some BRAND NEW material for you!

Shortly after he moves in, you may feel a bit unhinged, but don't worry! 
You're right on track!
It's about time you become an object rather than the normally functioning human
 being that you were when you met him.
Maybe he's acting a little different from all the stress in his life. 
You know, that stress that comes along with trying to be someone you're not 
for so long and telling lies to cover his TRUE nature. 
Don't know that stress? 
He does and he knows it well!

You may feel like he's pulling away from you because well,.. He IS!
All that time he spends texting other people and answering the phone 
while you're together isn't that big of a deal.
He always had a pretty active social life... outside of him having 
almost NO FRIENDS except those he met through, or around, you!

It’s really TOUGH to keep relationships, even friendships, when the other 
person in the relationship is prone to doing really OBNOXIOUS things like 
NOT agreeing with you about everything or having an opinion that differ.

There is that ONE guy! 
You know the one.
 I like to call him the “minion”.
 He NEVER questions or disagrees….
he is simply there to sing praises of perfection 
and would do ANYTHING to further the cause of your "love"! 

 
Make no mistake, 
he will always do as your love tells him…
even if it eventually requires him to turn on YOU! 
Been there…done that. 
Do not think he is YOUR FRIEND…
no matter how well you have treated him or what you have done for him. 
He isn’t. 
He is only civil to you because your LOVE wants him to be. 
See how quickly he joined in with your "new" family? 
Why, he knew about you before I did! 
Along with most of my family...
and let's not forget about your church and your PASTOR!

Just keep on trying, though. 
You can get through this! 
Maybe you'll want to talk to him about how you're feeling.

Let me walk you through that process as well.
So, the rules are as follows:

1. Don't try to talk about anything that concerns you about your relationship with him or any grievances you have about him at all. Period. EVER. (The first time you try it you will realize WHY I say that)

2. Simple stuff (translation-everything that is important to YOU). Just don't talk about it. Pretend everything is great and always post positive things (even though you're feeling down) on your social media so that all of your friends and family know just how happy you are and how wonderful he is. Lie your little butt off to everyone about how well he treats you. It's the only way this is going to work. Trust me! I know!

3. The day may come that you can't hold it in anymore, so here's some help and insight to how this discussion may go.

* If you ask him anything about his feelings about anyone other than you he will either
A. Ignore you
B. Get mad at you
C. Say "I don't know“

* If you ask him about his feeling about YOU he will either
A. Accuse you of being insecure
B. Get mad at you for doubting him
C. Turn everything around on you so that you come away thinking you are an awful person for not seeing how WONDERFUL he IS!

Once you have opened your mouth about ANYTHING that concerns you...
This is where the fun really begins! 
Now you get to see a side of him you never knew existed. 
It's always great to learn new things, yes?
OK, so... Ignoring you is what he will do the most. 
If you show concern, he will be totally aloof to make sure you know 
he's not interested in what you have to say. 
He likes to play on FB to drive that home to you. 
He may leave and go outside to do "some work". 
Actually, he's just wanting to get away from you.

That's OK, though, because some time apart does people good at times.

His next plan is to meet everything you try to talk about with anger! 
Yes, he gets really mad when you question his actions. 
Make sure you have earplugs because he likes to yell and while you're 
trying to be calm, accuse you of yelling and walk away because you are simply 
“OUT OF CONTROL” 
and “Unreasonable”…
maybe even “Crazy!”
Better get a little tape recorder because he will say some really 
hurtful things to you 
but then deny he did.

That’s called gas-lighting. 
I am certain you are familiar with that term.
It is likely that you will find that you have started to misplace things…car keys…wallet….and ESPECIALLY HIS things which he “ALWAYS leaves on the table” 
and then accuses YOU of moving/losing.

Confused yet? 
Sure! 
It's a hot mess you're into. 
He's WORTH IT, though.

Don't worry about your self-esteem or self-worth at this point. 
That's irrelevant to him … always was and always will be!
So, please get used to your feelings not being important. 
It's like a sucker punch to the soul, but it'll just make you stronger.
Ok, so the verbal tirades will get bad also.
Listing all your faults (big and small) on a daily basis 
is sure to be a real character builder!
It'll make you TOUGH AS NAILS.

Some of the most often used barbs are 
“You are out of control”
 “you are overly sensitive”
 “You are unreasonable”
 …and the perennial favorite 
“You are CRAZY!”

It’s also fun when he talks so much about being sensitive to smells 
that you brush your teeth 15 times a day and bathe 3 times a day 
because you are convinced you stink!
Makes you worry about even being close to him or kissing him….
MAYBE you are just being “Paranoid” , as he SAID.
 I mean he NEVER ONCE DIRECTLY TOLD YOU that you smell bad!
I wonder what gave you these misconceptions…
because, thinking back…you may see that he truly has NEVER directly SAID that? 
I guess you are simply losing your mind!
Better hide that though….
you don’t want to chance losing him!
Remember not long ago when you didn't take crap from anyone, ever?

Hmm. Funny how this happened.

Once we get past the degrading remarks
 next comes the constant habit of “fixing” you, 
wiping things off your face, 
reaching out in the middle of a serious conversation 
because you have "something in the corner of your eye", 
picking out your clothes, making those, oh so SUBTLE, remarks about the 
“stupid” things and people you love, 
then he will likely walk away from every conflict because YOU are being unreasonable.

Then, when HE is ready and when he wants something from you again. he will come back, 
play his guilt card and look like a little puppy to make you feel awful for EVER questioning him.
He will never apologize but he will gladly forgive YOU...
If you ask very nicely!

After a few times, you will learn its best just to keep your mouth shut and go along.
Who doesn't love to walk on eggshells and be afraid to talk to anyone 
about what's actually going on?
I know I do.
You are TOGETHER now so you may want to try to get a little information about him. 
He TALKS about himself ALL the time but its funny how you know almost nothing about him!
 
The more you ask, the more he doesn't know. 
Isn't that amazing how someone doesn't know anything about what they're
 feeling or how they're acting or why?
Of course he knows. 
He just doesn't want to tell you because he would rather give you 
reasons to think you're just crazy or too emotional or blowing things out of proportion!

This is when hell overcomes your heaven.

Now that he has you weak with emotion and hurt and holds you in contempt 
for ALL those things that he considers WEAKNESSES 
(your unconditional love, your compassion, your faith, your Empathy, etc. etc.), 
that's when the real fun stuff starts happening.

Now, suddenly, you're nothing alike.
Everything you do bothers him.
Everything he once said he loved about you, he's tired of.
So, that means more ignoring your existence!
Don't worry that he's talking to everyone except you. 
He's just getting their sympathy and support because 
OMG... "you're just like his exes".

You're just crazy and jealous and trying to change him. 
Probably a “cold fish” as well.
Any life you had before him is in the crapper now 
because he has systematically torn you down as you 
would a new soldier or a new dog to train. 

You may hear things like "go lay down", "leave me alone" or "
get the hell out of my way". 
All that lovey-dovey talk is over and he's probably 
got someone tied in already to replace you.
All those times he was on Facebook in the beginning, 
telling you how great you were and "liking" 
all of your pictures and saying how beautiful you are.
Well, there's another woman out there that needs to hear those things, too.

Thinking about trying to share your feelings and get some support?

No one will believe you because he made sure you always 
said how wonderful he is in the beginning
 in an effort to show him you were in it for the long haul 
and that you would lie to everyone else about him because you 
loved him just that much!

And those GOOD friends that once tried to SABOTAGE your relationship…
they are likely not feeling very supportive anymore 
since you treated them like your enemies when they expressed 
concerns to you in the beginning!
After all….you may have known them for YEARS before your 
new LOVE came along but, in a pinch, 

WHO DID YOU CHOOSE?!

Not to mention the fact that he has managed to convince half your friends and family 
that he is the GREATEST and they simply cannot understand how you 
no longer appreciate how very lucky you are to have him! 
They now think you are simply damaged or crazy or unable to be satisfied with anyone!

In order to do this he has been lying behind your back….
oh just LITTLE lies…since almost day 1.

So you SEE!!!!

This was all planned. 
From the time your relationship BEGAN he was PLOTTING its ending 
and what he could take from you when he discards you! 
This knowledge will make you ANGRY
....ah, ah, ah...but DON'T express it 
because it will be a sure sign, to EVERYONE AROUND YOU, that you are INDEED CRAZY....
"Just as he said you were!"
Your credibility will be completely shot. 
When you try to tell everyone how difficult it was, they won’t believe you!

And as you watch him get dressed for dates with his NEW love….
while living in your house because he refuses to leave…
And he has that pesky little marriage certificate 
(the piece of paper that gives him a right to abuse you, emotionally, financially, mentally, etc.)
YOU WILL BE POWERLESS TO STOP HIM!

The law, the courts, your friends and family, his NEW victim... 
NO ONE will lift a hand to stop him from torturing you!
You may try to explain that you are NOT jealous...
that you JUST WANT HIM TO GO AWAY...
but you are viewed as a bitter, jealous person who is 
"having a hard time with being left by such a wonderful, giving man". 
That can be pretty infuriating but bite that tongue! 
You are in a TRAP set by a MASTER hunter and 
ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU. 
No way out...stop struggling and give up!
Your marriage certificate and the law MIGHT protect you if he tried 
to PHYSICALLY abuse you…MAYBE…
but he is way too smart to do that! 
He likes being able to abuse WITHOUT having to pay any consequences!
You may find things "breaking" around your house, disappearing, etc...
but he has NOTHING to do with that! 
Its just a coincidence!

Then you will be right where I was when YOU "officially" entered the picture.

In the end...


But, you are a Christian right? 
You can always pray for divine intervention. 
I am certain that God will hear you and you will be comforted but be aware...
He will use that against you too!
GOD always forgives right?
 "You state that you are a Christian, but you can't be much of one since you are 
crazy and cannot just move on!"
" How DARE you judge me when God says to forgive!"
So he will use his “devout” religion to show you 
(and more importantly, to convince EVERYONE ELSE) 
that you are NOT a Christian because you are UNABLE to forgive 
and this will be one reason he simply MUST leave you. 

You PUSHED HIM OUT!!!

You are not “Godly” and your misery just goes to show that! 
Your anger convinces everyone that he is right and they support HIM
much as you and your CHURCH supported his abuse of my children and I!

FUNNY HOW THAT WORKS!

Sounds pretty cool, huh? 
Feeling alone even when you're sitting next to him
  while he's chatting away with other people and you're dying inside. 
Yeah. I know.
But one day you'll be fed up with the lies and 
feeling that terrible every day. 
You'll get tired of biting your tongue.
He will have someone else waiting for this moment and 
will blissfully walk away from you, while telling everyone else how you so callously left him.
You used him.
You're just like the rest of them!

He has a discard pile of hearts.

The break up will be all YOUR fault, everyone WILL BELIEVE that…
and he will be posting on Facebook thanking GOD for 
getting you out of his life and “showing him the right path”!

That is really fun! 

I’m sure you will remember that very post directed at me…
You know…the one you and all your CHURCH friends “liked”….
and thereby supported him in abandoning our children!

Because, while relieved that the nightmare will soon be over, 
you, at some level, will mourn the loss of your dream 
and the loss of a man who NEVER EXISTED. 
He won't have any such mourning because 
he has already COMPLETELY moved on! 
You now know that he NEVER really had a dream! 
It was all one big game with you as the pawn.

…He will look at you. 
With those cold, dead eyes, 
as though he has never met you 
and threaten to destroy you 
if you dare breathe a WORD of this to anyone!!!!

Very SPECIAL FEELING THAT ONE!

Let me tell you what actually just happened to you...
•You were vulnerable and he knew it.
•He hates himself. He hates himself so much that he can't understand why everyone else doesn't hate him.
•He wears a mask in order to make people think he is normal.
•He's damaged and will damage all those who get too close to him.
•He knows he hurts people, but has no empathy. He believes he is ENTITLED to do whatever he wants. He believes that even GOD is on his side!

Read that last one again and let it sink in.

HE HAS NO EMPATHY. 
He believes he is ENTITLED to do whatever he wants. 
He believes that even GOD is on his side!

He can't put himself in your shoes. 
He can FAKE it reasonably well for short intervals 
but you will get the drift if you just LISTEN to how he DEGRADES 
anyone who does not think he is right about everything.

It's not possible for him to consider ANYONE'S point of view...only his own!
He's too far stuck in his own world of the fear of abandonment that he, 
himself, creates and will never get out of 
because he knows that no one will ever be able to stay with him because of it.

You were temporary.

Oh, you may have devoted 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, or maybe your entire life,
 to the relationship, but to him you were ALWAYS temporary and EASILY replaced.
You were there to fill a void because he cannot be alone.
He HATES being alone!

He needs someone to take care of him and be his cheering section!
However, it's all a self-fulfilling prophecy here.
Remember when he said he knew how this was going to end up? 
This is exactly what he meant. 
He knew you would leave him (or he would leave you) 
and it's because he wanted you to, so he wouldn't be wrong.
He can't handle being wrong!

Isn't it odd that he hates being alone, but makes people leave him alone?!
Crazy stuff!

You will never get an honest apology.
You will never get closure.
You have to live with this.
Are you hearing me?
He's not sorry for what he did to you.

He's only sorry that he couldn't keep you fooled long enough or keep you on that emotional 
torture rack longer.
It's at this time you realize you were only an object.
A warm, blow up doll, a work horse,
He mirrored all of your interests and he has studied people long enough 
to say all the things you wanted to hear to get you hooked in the first place.
He is unable to change.
Let that sink in as well:
HE IS UNABLE TO CHANGE.

OH WHY did nobody warn you!?!

Oh WAIT…..they tried and you turned your back on them!
And as far as any warning from those he has done this to before….
would you have believed them? 
After all….they are just crazy, jealous EX’s!!!!!

Now you will suffer feeling guilt about what you HELPED HIM TO DO…
to his ex, his children, your friends, your family, 
Your CHURCH, YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO GOD. 
Your self esteem, your LIFE….
That GUILT can be overwhelming and CRUSHING!

He HAS no GUILT!
 In his eyes he has not, and never has, done anything wrong in his entire life! 
That is why he feels he must assassinate your character 
in order to convince people that he is NOT wrong!

So you get what I'm saying here... 
This is your life in a nutshell.

This is the pattern of a relationship with a sociopath.

Seriously. I'm an educated individual and before I knew that people 
like him existed, I was already run through the wringer!
So, you see, I'm not a crazy, jealous ex. 
The truth is, no matter what he told you, 
I never wanted him back. 
I saw my chance to ESCAPE and I gladly took it. 
You, unfortunately for you, took my place as his hostage.
I'm only telling you this because this is real and more common than people think 
and you will pay just as I have paid.

Paid for WHAT…I really can’t say….
likely you will have gotten NOTHING out of the relationship except damage. 
You will pay in loss of both your emotional/psychological well-being 
and by the FINANCIAL devastation which they will bring into your life....
you may pay with the loss of your friends and parts of your family...
but OH! 
HOW YOU WILL PAY!

HIM? 
Chances are he will walk away scott free….
just start all over…
find another woman...
just as he found me 
(and you) 
and BECOME what she has always dreamed of....
and THEN become her WORST NIGHTMARE. 
You know the drill...and the cycle starts again...
THEY NEVER PAY!

They WILL visit you with "punishments" (well deserved of course) 
because you have dared to see through that mask. 
They will cause as much damage as they possibly can and 
they will not shrink from uttering ANY LIE to "make this so" 
Then they will laugh at you and admit it to your face 
and then feign complete lack of knowledge to all that will listen...
and blame you once more....

Oh yeah! 

Once again you can look back at how it was when 
he walked away from me….you saw it….

The GOOD news is there will be a large part of you that will be 
relieved to get rid of him….that, too, may make you feel guilt…
and he will try to use that against you too…

You will need to come out of this knowing you weren't crazy.
Yes, since no one has seen ANY of this and he is so WONDERFUL…
the legal community will simply assume the problem is within you. 
The more you try to convince them, the crazier you will look.
Quite the trap huh?

You need to understand....
It was him.
The feelings of being on edge all the time.
It was him.
The gut instincts that something wasn't quite right.
It. Was. Him. Not you.
You're fine the way you are.

The GOOD news, for you, is that you never had any children with him (or any young children that you SUBJECTED to him) and this has saved you from me having to recount what he would have done to those children if you did. Terrible, damaging things that will affect them from their entire lives!
You have met my children. I am sure that you even encouraged him to 
“take a firm hand” and “not allow them to “mouth off” at him! 
You were lucky enough to miss out on being a caring Mother 
who must stand by and watch her children crushed emotionally
 on a daily basis...
and be threatened to be EXPOSED as an "unfit" Mother...
and worry that the courts could, indeed, side with him 
and take away the ONLY SANE parent your children have....
and watch your children wither away under the emotional abuse and negativity. 

So I will not bother to elaborate on that.

I hate to welcome you to my club, 
but here you are reading your story. 
This is my story, too and it won't be the last story 
someone tells about him.

So SURPRISE!

I wish I could have given you this “gift” earlier to avoid this 
damage to you, but as
 you now know…you would not have believed me.

You likely did not deserve to be abused this way…
There is no survival guide to staying with my ex or sustaining 
a relationship with him.

Your only chance of survival is getting away from him.

He's not like you. He never was.
He hates you for being everything he can never be. 
Loving, caring, compassionate, empathetic...
Those are things he will never know for himself. 
Your love can't fix that. 
That's not a failure on your behalf.
You're not the first person he's done this to 
(neither was I) 
and you most certainly won't be the last.

7 comments:

  1. Substitute He for She throughout this enlightened post and it's the last three years of my life.
    The female Narco is very very similar. Thank you. Thank God I got out 7 weeks ago. Been nearly 3 weeks no contact. She had the new guy paraded all over Facebook 3 weeks after I had gone. Tried to get me fired at work and destroyed all my belongings I left there in the hurry to escape. I became a very sick man in that "relationship" these "people" are spiritual vampires.
    The new host of the ex sent me a FB request!!!
    I blocked him. He won't listen just as I wouldn't have. Poor soul.
    Thank you again for this post.
    I am healing. Doing a lot of work on myself.
    Have to never never experience anything like this EVER AGAIN!!!
    Get out while you still have a modicum of sanity if you are with one of these creatures and on sites like this to try to figure what the hell is going on.
    These beings are sub-human.
    God bless you all.

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    Replies
    1. You are quite correct. This could just as easily been "she" as "he". There is no group that is immune...no gender...no age...no sexual orientation...no financial status...no race...they are present in EVERY group. I am glad you have gotten free! Some of us run away, some walk, some limp, some crawl, and others of us are TOSSED. In the end, just being away is all that matters. It is a puzzle to figure out exactly WHAT they are. It seems hard to imagine that there could be such a group of diverse humans who could behave with such evil uniformity. I suppose that this is why people who have NOT experienced it, would have trouble believing it. The only other groups who have such common beliefs and actions usually belong to some ORGANIZED group...the Nazis...Religious Cults. Under normal circumstances, these groups have a LEADER and some type of concrete Manifesto or some other written guide. The fact that they behave as they do without direction and without comparing notes is baffling. Since they do NOT have a human leader...whose guidance could they possibly be following? It sure makes you wonder! Best of luck to you!

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  2. As of this very moment, I still am struggling for recovery from a Narc. Im just glad I came across to a couple of good reads about this topic. What happened to me few months ago is still haunting me like a nightmare.

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  3. But he doesnt fit MANY of the behaviors. I do know he is a monster. I just dont know his name.....is his psychiatrist responsible for keeping the public safe and keeping his patient safe from himself??????

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  4. Thank you for giving me even more insight into this darkness that I NEVER wanted to see, but needed to see. I've tried to turn my experience into an advantage, knowing a part of the world that is kept from many and because of that, I will never go back into that abyss.

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  5. And don't forget the large smear campaign after where living in a small village everyone thinks I'm nuts,thieving, husband stealer barred from places I've never been to isolated using the kids against me and it goes on their twisted lies go on it seems forever!

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  6. My ex, my younger daughter. Is it genetic? So many broken hearts, so many true believers who were caught in their web. It's bad enough that it happened to me but I feel so bad for my daughter's victims.

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