Thursday, September 10, 2015


Something I rarely hear mentioned about narcissists is their use very deliberate use of SHAMING, which is interesting because narcissists feel no shame at all. Feeling ashamed for doing a specific thing can be good for us, and feeling ashamed of hurting someone, for instance, and that's the result of having a conscience, which is why the narcissist doesn't feel healthy shame.

Toxic shaming is one of the weapons of an abusive relationship. Narcissists make victims feel shame about WHO AND WHAT THEY ARE, so there is no way to make amends or remedy it, and that's called “TOXIC SHAME”. If you already have toxic shame in your past, say your childhood, the narcissist has an intuitive sense about who they can victimize, and once the narcissist learns this about you, he very deliberately love bombs you to make you feel safe, accepted, and loved. This is the set up that makes you want to be vulnerable to the narcissist.

What comes next is the abuse....demeaning, belittling, withholding...including the silent treatment, stonewalling, withdrawing and leaving, manipulation, cheating, lying, AND BLAMING THE VICTIM, which triggers the toxic shame and makes the target fear abandonment, which is what she learned from the narcissist that she deserves.

If there's one thing the narcissist is truly an expert at it's producing toxic shame in victims. You are not good enough and can't ever be good enough, because you are inherently defective. It doesn't matter how much you give to the narcissist, you can't EVER be good enough, so she feels trapped in a no win situation. Soon, the victim begins TO DISLIKE HERSELF, criticize herself, and she's filled with self doubt, which destroys her self esteem.

Healing from narcissistic abuse, IMHO, starts with healing from toxic shame. It's difficult and one of the jobs of a good therapist experienced with narcissistic abuse, and of a good recovery group for abused women.

It's also why recovery is so hard and one of the reasons women go back to the hoovering narcissist who abused them....somewhere, deep inside, they may falsely believe that they don't deserve better, but believe me, they do....or may not believe that a normal, happy relationship is even possible for them, and that comes from low self esteem caused by toxic shame.

You only have the happiness you believe you deserve. Therapy, time, no contact with the narcissist, good support, and detached reflection on your relationship with the narcissist are you beginning building blocks of recovery.

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