HOW DO I DO MINIMAL CONTACT WHEN WE'VE GOT A CHILD?

This is a common question...how do I go minimal contact when my NarcX have a child (children) together? Good question. I have dealt with this for many years and have made personal rules that I learned the hard way. One thing I learned was to communicate my rules (“boundaries”) in a clear and unambiguous way, and to be strict about my rules right from the beginning, otherwise, the N will ignore them since all N's are used to getting their way and walking all over you. Now, instead of no contact, I did “minimum contact”. Here are my rules:

1. I communicate ONLY by email and never directly, and only about my son's health, school, and visitation...and NEVER about anything personal, not ever. I never answer, even negatively, any “friendly” comments (manipulations), or personal remarks or attacks. ANY response, positive or negative, only encourages the N. Needless to say, there is never any response to anything that seems like “hovering”. If the emails are abusive, save a copy for court or for a restraining order. In some cases, if they are so bad, or are practically book length, you can have a helpful friend read them and only tell you about health, school, or visits.

2. My NarcX is blocked on my cell. My son has his own cell and she can call him on that if she wants to. That way there is no responsibility on my part for insuring communications between them, and nothing to discuss about it.

3. Any voice mails are deleted immediately and NEVER listened to, and the N knows that's my policy...if she wants to tell me something, she should email me. Not that they will do this right away, but after a while they get the futility of doing anything else.

4. If you are getting an order, or modifying one, never allow anything ambiguous in the order, especially something that says “cooperate” or “consult”, or “agreement between the parties”. That will NEVER work with an N. The order needs to be written extremely clearly and YOU NEED TO FOLLOW IT STRICTLY, TO THE LETTER, making exceptions, not for whims, but for a very important reason only, and never routinely. See No. 6, below.

5. If she says “HI” to me somewhere, say school, I just nod, and I stay away from the N. If the N approaches you to talk, you'll need to tell them not to do that, which will make them angry for a while. My now wife's NX started rushing over to her to hug her, which was incredibly awkward and unwanted, as a part of a hoovering attempt. He now has to stay across the room and not speak to either of us, and that's best.

6. Make no allowances for the N's whims as far as visits. I have allowed variation, against my normal rule, only in extraordinary circumstances, and told her it was a one time thing and not the rule, because otherwise, the N will do everything according to their own whims and make chaos out of the order.

7. Do not allow the N into your home for any reason. This is YOUR personal space and this is a clear boundary issue. Pick up is best done in the driveway or at the curb, not at the door. If your ex is hostile or threatening, as mine was, well, I made all pick ups and drop offs in front of the ordering counter at McDonalds since there are cameras and she knew it. This ends false accusations about what was said or done, and even then, I never get closer than 10 feet.

8. My NX tried to shred the decree with constant changes and variations, and ridiculous interpretations, according to her whim since she is so unreliable and unpredictable, but the order is there to force predictability and so is best followed right down the line. If you won't do what the N wants, expect the N to get very angry and abusive. That's the time to “gray rock” the N, meaning, having the same emotions as a gray rock...none at all. If the N can get any emotion out of you, the N will do it again and again.

9. So, the point of only communicating by email is that you have a record of the inevitable verbal abuse, and can use it against the N when the time comes, since it shows the N with the mask down. Keep your emails short and business like, and factual, not personal.

10. Never count on the N's agreement for anythings since they are passive aggressive and just won't give it, so have a back up plan. My favorite is to ask by email and state what I intend to do, then do it, and so long as it makes sense, the court is fine with it.  However, never violate the provisions of the order dealing with custody or visitation because the the N will hammer you in court.

11. No sex. Yea, the N says “one more time, for old time's sake”....N using you and keeping your hooked, and boy, it's nearly impossible to move on if the N is still spending the night. It's also incredibly confusing for the kids. Plus, it makes some other good person go in the other direction, seeing you involved with your NX, letting the N in your house, and letting the N stay. So, your life never gets right. Plus, if you do date as well, the kids won't have any idea what to think about this because it makes no sense to them and makes a poor role model for adult behavior.

That's what I can think of right now. I've been going down this road for many years, and believe me, these rule I came by the hard way. However, if you are consistent you get the best result. The N is never going to become reasonable. This is a marathon that lasts until your kids are all over 18, and these rules got me by so far. 1 more year and I'll be done, thank God.