Thursday, September 10, 2015


I think of trying to talk to a narcissist as “going down the rabbit hole” know, from Alice in Wonderland, into a place where nothing makes sense. I also call it “going to never never land” where what the narcissist says is never true, never was, and can never be made any sense of...... a good reason for me not to have those crazy conversations.

As far as I can tell, from my own experience and that of others I've known, the only way to know when the narcissist is lying is from experience with this narcissist. I think I've gotten better at spotting narcs over time, but I also know I can be fooled, which keeps me on my toes. Maybe you've noticed that, over time, you come to realize how much YOUR narcissist lies, but he continues to fool others.

So, there's the eternal question: WHY does he lie? Good question, and my experience is that it's not for any one reason, but I've noticed several reasons, which get repeated over time.

To me, lying was such a noticeable fact about my NarcX that as far as NarcCrazy, it's really a chart topper. It was one of the things I hated most and one that never, ever stopped or even got better. I ended up being constantly on guard when my NX was talking. I was constantly parsing every word for lies because the narcissist manipulates LANGUAGE in such a way that they say things that, if repeated, can be reinterpreted in a way that has a different meaning.

It would seem the Narcissist would lie as an advantage. Sometimes I found that to be true, and yet, at other times, my NX would lie for absolutely no reason except to prove that it could be gotten away with. I always said my own NX could no doubt pass a lie detector test since lying came so naturally that NX didn't think anything of it. I would guestimate that NX lied in maybe 90% of our conversations. But, for me, that was an unfolding awareness that took place over 20 years. As to why.....

  1. The narcissist wants something. This can be tangible and physical, like money, car, or something smaller, like tickets, or to avoid paying a bill. Or, it can be to gain supply in the form of admiration and the like, including exaggerating their own success and accomplishments.

  1. To get away with something. Cheating on you, for instance. Or, financially irresponsible conduct. Or to hide drug or alcohol abuse. To avoid family responsibilities such as doing things with the kids or extended family.

  1. To have power and control. This is where lying and abuse cross paths. Incessant criticism has a purpose...power, and control over you. Narcissists enjoy inflicting pain for it's own sake...they are sadistic. That's the point of the smear campaign. In the end, all narcissistic relationships deteriorate into constant put downs, and become demeaning, belittling, and controlling.

  1. To destroy your hold on reality. A good example of this is “gas lighting”, where the narcissist tries to get you to doubt your own mind and judgment. Gas lighting causes intense pain and confusion in the target. The narcissist may say or do something and then claim that they did not, to make you think you're “losing it” mentally and emotionally. This may be done for practical reasons, in other words, to gain something, or just to be malicious, and it's a common tactic by a narcissist.

  1. If it's for no apparent reason you can understand....what that means is that the narcissist's mind works in such a twisted and devious way and is so unlike our own that we can't imagine why the narcissist would lie like and about THAT. Sometimes it's just to stick a knife in you and twist it, like saying, “You know I'd never be unfaithful” when, in fact, you know otherwise. Think about it...this is a very sick way of making you hurt in a place that's extremely vulnerable.

Just remember that when dealing with a narcissist, nothing will make sense, and they have no limits on what they will say and do, or on who they will hurt, including their own children, if it gets them what they want, however twisted and obscure that is.

I have virtually no contact with my NX these days...only an occasional email about my 17 year old son, who lives with us. Having gotten away from the narcissist this long, it's intensely uncomfortable to have any interaction at all.

1 comment:

  1. The gas lighting was what broke me - the absolute denial even when confronted with evidence. I now know the best way to tell when a Narc is lying is when their lips move. He hates it that I tell him "That's a lie" whenever I disbelieve him (which is every time he speaks). Feel so relieved to be rid and so sorry for his new victim.