Thursday, September 10, 2015

BUT HE HAS SOME GOOD QUALITIES....IF ONLY HE'D JUST....


It's so confusing. At times, he seems so good. Some things you just have to admire about him. Not all of it's bad. Then there's those good feelings....at times. The loving attentiveness....at times. Of course, then there's the times he's a total jerk....the times he just walks away....the times you just know he's lying and cheating. But, he's a good guy....sometimes.

This on and off....called “intermittent reinforcement' by therapists, actually ratchets up the emotion in the relationship. One minute he ACTS LIKE he really cares and he's so affectionate. You're happy. You laugh and talk...you cuddle....you make love. The next minute....what's going on with him? I can't understand it. Why so on and off?

The key here is the words “acts like”. You imagine that HE FEELS what his actions indicate...that is, if he acts lovingly, he must love you. That's certainly the case with you. It's hard to wrap your mind around the fact that he acts like he does to get supply, and when he doesn't need your supply right then, he gets it from someone else.

Occam's Razor says, “The simplest explanation that explains all the fact is the most probable.” The problem is that this leads you to a conclusion you don't want to be true. You want to figure out how to make him be that guy all the time. You don't want to believe that this is just not him. You make excuses for him. You imagine that perhaps he's been hurt in the past....maybe he's insecure....maybe marrying and becoming a father will change him. But, the simplest explanation is...what you see is what you get. You can't change him. He is, and always will be, this way, and he will never make a good husband. He WILL break your heart over and over.

Ah, but the good qualities. My now wife's NarcX is a good finish carpenter, and a pretty good musician. He's also a liar, a cheater, and physically, psychologically, and sexually abusive....intensely so. In public, he's an “ah shucks” kinda guy. In private, he's hell. There were good times, but there were far more bad times....really, really bad times. She thought that one day the bad times....the abuse, the cheating...would stop, but it never did, in over 25 years. Daily life was hell for her. Sex was traumatic, given how he was. It never stopped, but that's now someone else's problem.

Disappearing for weeks, the porn, not taking responsibility for the kids, the lies, the other women...a lot of other women....but, he'd leave and then come back, saying he realized he loved her. He was a constant boomerang. The reality that hit her one day was that he didn't love her at all. He'd come back when he wanted something from her, and she'd take him back.

Having some good qualities does not make for a good, loving, lasting relationship, and constantly wishing and hoping he'll change won't make any difference, and waiting for the good qualities to displace the bad ones won't work either. The simplest explanation is that he's a jerk and will never be the man you want him to be, but that's the death of a dream, and so, so hard.

There's a trap I call the “prior investment theory”. I noticed long ago that when people put a lot of money into something that's a huge loss for them, they tend to follow that money with more, rather than reversing course and taking their losses. That's the same thing people do with narcissists....they throw more money into a very bad investment, not wanting to admit they were so wrong. Who wants to feel foolish?

But, he is what he is. A good man will love you consistently....to him, love is a commitment, not an option. NEVER be an option to any man. He will show you his love every day by what he says AND does, and I mean every day. Real love is never mainly about words. Love is a verb. It's about what he does, but the key here is that THERE IS NEVER A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT HE SAYS AND WHAT HE DOES, and he does it with constancy . Love means doing loving things EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT FAIL, and a guy who does otherwise is wasting your time....and wasting your time is wasting your life.

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