Thursday, September 10, 2015


I had been married 20 years and now, here I was, single again. Sorry to tell you, I made a real mess of it at first, by not sorting out the narcissists right away. Well, not immediately. But I did bump them out of my life in a matter of weeks, which was a huge improvement over 20 YEARS in my previous marriage. So, sez me to myself, how do I sort the narcs out right away so I don't waste time....and feel like a fool again? Here's a few tips that might help...

TIP #1: LISTEN CLOSELY. Watch out for one sided conversations where the person tells you how wonderful they are, and they seem to think they are fascinating and that their stories are SOOOO interesting. Do some stories a bit? Sometimes they leak information. I dated one person who inadvertently accidently let it slip that a previous date was in fact....married. Listen to it all but be sure NOT to feed the person a lot of personal information, particularly about what you might be looking for in a person, otherwise, they will “mirror” you and become exactly that. Do they seem fascinated with their own sense of being charming and funny? Narcissists are self absorbed and often show it. They also start right in “love bombing” you by giving you extremely exaggerated compliments and idealizing you. Better to have someone who sees you as you really are, and appreciates you just that way.

TIP #2: DON'T RUSH THINGS. Are things moving much too fast? Sloooooow things way, way down. A good person appreciates the caution but this is contrary to the narcissists game plan of love bombing and instant intimacy. My now wife and I became friends and she made me wait months for “the cookie”, as Steve Harvey calls it. I was OK with that. I truly thought she was a very good person and might make a good wife, but that was my main interest and I wanted to find out. It was perhaps a year before the “L word” got said. Don't sell yourself short. You're a valuable person and the right person will see that. Too much, too soon, is the tactic of the narcissist, but slow and gradual is the way lasting relationships are formed. Besides, take it from me, it was SOOOO worth the wait.

TIP #3: SET AND ENFORCE BOUNDARIES. And, watch the result. Narcissists HATE boundaries because they are all about getting control of you and boundaries are what allow you to keep control of your own life. Boundaries are what you will and won't do, and will and won't tolerate. If the person doesn't gladly respect your boundaries, then when you get deeply involved, they won't then, either. Narcissists never respect or follow boundaries, including boundaries involving finances, fidelity, or honesty. If you make it clear what your boundaries are and the person ignores them...that is the reddest of red flags. You say what you want and like, and they should respect that fully. If not....ooops.

TIP #4: WATCH TO SEE IF THE WORDS MATCH THE ACTIONS. With a narcissist, there is this constant problem of the words not matching the actions, but instead, there is a lot of excuses and explanations. I dated one person who affected a very religious manner, but I found was dishonest in business dealings. There were professions of being very loving but a very sketchy past that was unverifiable. With my now wife and I, our past were clear and easy to see, and our we had access to each other's friends and family. A narcissist will often go overboard with gifts and professions of instant love, but the question is how well the person REALLY knows you, after all. I mean, shouldn't the person be interested in the real you, not a fantasy? Remember a narcissist is big on show. You have to get past all that and find out who the person really is....BEYOND the person's words and love bombing. Real people seriously interested in a long term relationship don't love bomb, they appreciate, and being appreciated for real personal qualities is a very, very good sign.

You can change the habits and patterns that you use to meet people and form relationships. Getting the narcissist out of your life is a great opportunity to rethink how you've done things and come up with a better plan.

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